


Kintsugi

by CowboyVibesOnly



Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, blame discord
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:20:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25856539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CowboyVibesOnly/pseuds/CowboyVibesOnly
Summary: Lilith couldn't help but be angry whenever Shannon was chosen as Halo Bearer instead of her. It was a stupid, selfish, senseless anger, but she still felt it.
Relationships: Sister Lilith/Shotgun Mary/Shannon Masters
Comments: 3
Kudos: 25





	Kintsugi

**Author's Note:**

> Just a warning, this wasn't beta read so I apologize for any potential typos.

Lilith couldn't help but be angry whenever Shannon was chosen as Halo Bearer instead of her. It was a stupid, selfish, senseless anger, but she still felt it. Shannon and Mary knew what her family was like, they had comforted her more than once after she'd reluctantly gone to visit her parents. They'd kissed away any hurt their words had inflicted onto her, whispering words of love and care into her heart instead. And yet...the look of startled happiness on Shannon's face when she'd been chosen (a small part of Lilith knew that she was honored to have been chosen, anyone in the OCS would have been pleased upon getting the Halo, her happiness hadn't been at snatching it from Lilith's grasp) was seared into her mind.

Her withdrawal was sudden and overnight, every inch of her walls slammed up and impenetrable even with the hurt and confused looks on both Shannon and Mary's face. (They didn't deserve it, she wasn't blind to that. But everything in Lilith's body and mind was in self defense mode. That includes cutting out any weakness. They were her biggest weakness, in the best and brightest way possible.) It didn't stop her from craving their touch, craving the closeness she'd gotten accustomed to.

Mary's hurt turned to anger, that was a fact that everyone was well aware of. Shannon's though...Shannon's became a wound, a limp that she couldn't be rid of. Shannon's turned to heartbroken stares and red-rimmed eyes (eyes that shined like the brightest, purest divinium). Lilith's hurt was cold, impersonal and cutting. The thought of Shannon and Mary laying up at night (without her) comforting each other (without her) and kissing away each other's tears (without her) bit deeper into Lilith's heart than she could ever begin to explain. 

Something had to break.

The something that broke turned out to be Lilith.

She felt it coming, the weight that had settled into her chest and an expansive emptiness that had taken root. The first sign that she was headed towards ruin was a phone call from her parents, the two of them so cold in their anger (she was more like them than she cared to admit) that it left her feeling chilled to the bone. The second sign was her inability to sleep, mind and body restless and unable to be settled. Her bed felt too big, too empty, too cold without the press of two warm bodies on either side of her. Without the soft, quiet sound of breathing and the rustle of sheets when someone shifted. 

The straw that broke the camel's back was simple. It was nothing unusual. 

It was Shannon and Mary, sitting just a touch too close to be entirely friendly. It was the way Shannon's pinky was laid so deliberately over Mary's. It was the way they smiled at each other, their love so obvious, so clear that it knocked the breath from Lilith's chest. (What Lilith didn't see was the gaping hole in both of their chests, the way that they too struggled to sleep at night because there was only two people in bed instead of three, the way Shannon's front was barren of Lilith's warmth, the cold press of Lilith's nose into her neck and the way the Mary's arms ached to hold her, the way she ached to press soft kisses to Liliths' exposed shoulders and whisper raunchy things into her ear that had both Shannon and Lilith blushing and scolding her with an affronted, albeit amused, "Language.")

So Lilith ran. Oh maybe not quite so dramatically as turning tail and bolting from the dining hall but she was certainly running when she turned and left, walking just a touch too fast to be anything but fleeing. Unfortunately (fortunately) for Lilith, Shannon and Mary saw her just as she turned the corner.

* * *

After living in Cat's Cradle for a few years, one learned the emptiest, loneliest corridors. The ones that were mostly forgotten to the hands of time and cleaned rarely. They were also the best places to go when one wanted to be alone.

Lilith had never been more thankful that she was tall than she was in that moment, having broken into a run as soon as she was sure she was alone. The urge to go and hide in her room ('Like a child,' her mind hissed) was overwhelming but that was the first place anyone would look for her once it was known that she had missed dinner. Instead her feet guided her to the quietest parts of Cat's Cradle, one that was all too familiar to her. (Her mind flashed back to the first time that she was here, the rush of emotions (oh God, they liked her too), the reminders to keep quiet and the overwhelming touch of two sets of hands- no, she couldn't think of it, they weren't hers to think about any longer.)

Sinking to the floor against the wall, ancient stonework pressing uncomfortably into her back, Lilith pressed the heel of her palms into her eyes, trying to banish the brutal burn of tears out of sheer willpower. It didn't work, tears slipping out from under her hands and tracing trails down her hot cheeks. Her breath was ragged in her chest, hitching uncomfortably around the hollowness that had settled deep between her lungs (in her heart). The visible reminder of what she was missing, of what she'd so callously pushed away, broke her. There was no other word for the way that her soul cried out and mourned the loss of its two matches. 

Giving up on pressing away her tears, Lilith finally gave in and brought her knees to her chest, head bowing and arms coming to hug her legs (it wasn't the hugs she needed). Quiet, near silent sobs shook her shoulders as she grieved for what she was missing, grieved for the chance at happiness that she'd never get, never find with others.

(Not that she'd take it even if it was offered, she'd had her chance at love and she'd thrown it away. She didn't deserve another chance, having proved herself unworthy.)

The sudden weight of two sets of arms wrapping around her had Lilith's eyes snapping open and her head flying up- at least, until it collided solidly into Mary's head. The other woman's arms fell open out of reflex, moving to cup her bruising jaw. 

Hissing at the sudden pain, Lilith glared weakly up at Mary, still struggling against Shannon's arms and the way they held Lilith tight to her chest (it was Salvation of the greatest kind, a comfort she didn't deserve, but dearly wanted).

"Let me go!" Lilith growled through her tears, twisting to glare at Shannon instead only to find Mary back on her other side, arms encircling her waist.

"We're not gonna do that Lilith, c'mon baby girl, you know better." Mary murmured, her own voice tight with restrained tears as she pressed a kiss to the side of Lilith's head. "You gotta calm down first."

"Please Lilith, sweetheart...stop fighting us." Shannon pled, desperation and heartbreak leaking into her tone. (It killed her to see Lilith, proud, gentle Lilith, reduced to a husk.) "Just relax, love. Relax." Shannon continued to plead, tears readily spilling from her eyes and soaking into Lilith's hair.

Steadily, their words broke through the panicked haze that had overtaken rational thought in her mind and Lilith's attempts to jerk out of their grip slowed and weakened until she just...stopped. Crumpled in on herself, Lilith leaned into Shannon's hold, head rested fully on the taller woman's shoulder. Tears continued to fall, soaking into Shannon's clothing, shoulders still shaking but the sheer panic, the feeling as though she were coming apart at the seams, had stopped.

"That's it, love." Shannon whispered, voice thick with tears. "Let it out." Her hold had loosened, her hand coming up to gently cup Lilith's cheek and brush some of her tears away before tucking her hair behind her ear and out of her face.

Mary shifted, pressing soft kisses to Lilith's covered shoulder (she'd never hated having so many layers than she did at that moment). The sheer pain radiating from Lilith had tears escaping from her eyes, soaking into the sleeve of Lilith's habit. Her heartbreak was mirrored by the two of them, the rush of emotions that they'd all repressed since the break in their relationship a balm to each of their souls.

Slowly, the storm in Lilith's heart eased and her tears slowed, turning into a hiccupping, gasping breaths and shudders as she tried to calm herself. "I'm sorry...i'm sorry..." She whispered, voice scratchy and breaking from the outpouring of emotion. Her throat felt as if it were of fire, head pounding from her tears. Immediately, Mary started shaking her head.

"No, baby girl, don't apologize. Not for this, never for this." She murmured, voice fierce.

"I should though!" Lilith argued weakly, "It's my fault. This is my fault."

"No." Shannon spoke, voice firm though the tears. "No, it isn't Lilith. Out of anyone it isn't your fault." Dropping another kiss to the crown of Lilith's head, the hand on Lilith's cheek moved to tightly grasp her hand, lacing their fingers together. "If it's anyone's fault it's mine. I should have realized that there was a chance I would get the Halo-" (Lilith couldn't stop the instinctive flinch) "but I didn't. I thought you were going to get it. Everyone did."

Slowly, Shannon detangled herself from Lilith, gently uncurling the white-knuckled grip Lilith had on her clothes to look her in the eyes as Mary gathered Lilith into her arms instead.

"Look at me." Shannon whispered, grasping Lilith's hands and pressing a kiss onto the back of each.

Lilith looked up and met Shannon's eyes (she could never deny her a request), her eyes that held so much love they took Lilith's breath away.

"I don't know why I was chosen, Lilith. I always thought you'd be a better Halo Bearer than I, I still think that. I think a mistake was made. If I had it my way the Halo would be taken from my back and put into yours tonight-"

"Absolutely not." Lilith suddenly spoke, scratchy voice suddenly fierce with protectiveness. It was no secret that having the Halo placed inside you was a very special kind of agony. Having it taken out? The only recorded times a Halo was removed from a living Warrior Nun was when it rejected it's host and the pain was said to be worse. She wasn't selfish enough to put Shannon through that.

"I will never have the Halo, Shannon. I don't _want_ it. Not if it means taking it from you."

(They all knew that there was only one reason Lilith would get the Halo now and none wanted to bring it up, just thinking about it made Mary and Lilith sick with grief.)

"I accepted that the moment you were blessed with it. I never want to live in a world where you aren't Halo Bearer, because if you weren't..." Immediately Lilith's eyes burned anew with tears and she turned to press her face into the crook of Mary's neck, her hands grasping tight onto the front of Mary's clothing. (It'd take a Tarask to tear her from them now that she was back in their arms, and those hadn't been sighted in centuries.)

Mary opened one of her arms from around Lilith, gesturing for Shannon to slide in next to them, immediately wrapping her arm back around the taller woman when she did. "I love you, both of you, more than I could ever say." Mary husked out, pressing a kiss to the top of Lilith's head before turning and brushing her lips against Shannon's cheek. "Halo or no Halo. You both know I don't really give a shit about that. I care about you."

**Author's Note:**

> This really made me miss Shannon. I want more Shannon.


End file.
